Got a Brand New Fence

I’m the type of person who, after significant circumstances, has learned to always keep her walls up.  I never truly realized how high up those walls were until I had my first relationship.  It was difficult to welcome someone into your life when you had all these piles of bricks blocking your view.  But ironically enough, it was those bricks that kept me from allowing myself to fall of a cliff and stay locked up in an unhealthy emotional life. 

You see, it’s one thing to be pushed into a future that is all laid out for you, one that you hadn’t even imagined for yourself, and another thing to be constantly beaten down by words that are intended to mold you into something you’re not, but are expected to be.  No matter how kind you normally are, there is always a limit to how much crap you can take.  And for a girl with big dreams and a healthy level of self-esteem, being told what to do and criticized for who you are, are the ultimate breaking points from which there is no turning back.

That said, my first relationship was a tragic and traumatic one.  And although I could say that I’m over him and can have nothing to do with him whatsoever in whatever time, place or dimension that may exist, I cannot admit that the relationship hasn’t left me any scars.  Although I’m so much happier now and extremely ecstatic about my freedom, I cannot deny that there’s a part of me that has gone askew.  It’s like my entire emotional mechanism is missing a screw that has caused it to malfunction slightly, and I cannot seem to fix it.

It’s the same thing as getting burned after touching a hot stove: you learn to avoid the painful experience by not touching it again.  And after having allowed someone to cross those walls only to end up with nothing but disappointment and distrust, I realize now that what had happened before had only left me with lots of construction material to build a shiny new fence in front of those walls to make sure that nobody tries to climb up them again. 

To be honest, it scares me to death knowing that I’m inevitably pushing myself farther away into isolation.  Because as much as that fence keeps others from getting in, it also keeps me from getting out.  And although I truly want to take a breath of fresh air and explore the world every once in a while, I can only get as far as that fence and not one step beyond it.  My mind has this obsessive thought that if I give in again I would have to choose between that person and my dreams, and I don’t want to give up on any of my dreams.  I wish to leave the country and rejoin my family someday soon, and I can’t do that if I allow myself to be held back by something as strong as love.  So no matter how many times it comes knocking, it’s as if my mind is learning to immediately run on autopilot and build a wall around that door and lock the fence surrounding that wall to make sure I stay put and be where I am supposed to be.  It’s good to know you’re always on guard, but what if you’re guarding yourself against all the wrong things?

I actually miss those emotions.  I miss smiling for no apparent reason.  I miss waking up every single day with a feeling of inexplicable joy.  I miss yearning.  I miss the pain of unrequited love.  I miss the grief of heartache.  Having those is better than having none at all.  It’s all those emotions that let me know that I’m alive.  And right now I feel like I’ve already started to turn cold.